November 2011
1 post
9 tags
we were cool before the fucking
i want to just be real and honest and carefree. not fucking carefreely. but just fucking carefree, you know?
we used to just say whatever we wanted to each other and laugh and be merry and get each other, you know?
i fucking miss that shit.
it was cool.
we were cool.
the fucking was fun.
but we were cool without the fucking too.
we were cool before the fucking
i thought we were really good...
October 2011
2 posts
16 tags
Broken Hearted Straight Edge Dyke
It was a Thursday night, with nothing to show up for tomorrow. I was freshly broken hearted, and I needed a night on the town.
A friend came over for dinner, and we recorded a podcast together. Then we went down to the local tweetup. I haven’t been to one in years. I said hello to a few people and then was so bored by all the straight people in the fancy hotel bar that I grabbed my hoodie...
7 tags
some thoughts on dating, attraction, honesty
I keep “short term dating.” I don’t mean to, but it’s what seems to happen. I did, after all, put it as one of the options I was looking for on a dating site. So I shouldn’t be so shocked then after all, right?
In any case, all of this dating keeps teaching me a few things. Mostly about what I want and don’t want. But also about how to fine tune my online...
August 2011
2 posts
23 tags
An update to my gender identity exploration...
I started this blog a few years ago, in order to have an anonymous outlet as well as a conversation forum for some of my thoughts as I explored a butcher identity. I had come out a decade earlier, but still certainly had layers of “the real me” to uncover. (and still always will to some extent I’m sure!) I was born into a white homogenous heterosexist suburb of Boston. I...
March 2011
1 post
Country music & my trans identity
Whether it’s cuz I’m gay, butch, andro, genderqueer or trans, when I listen to country music, I identify w/ the male singers crooning over the pretty girls they want.
February 2011
2 posts
If you are a feminist, reblog this because I want...
January 2011
2 posts
12 tags
Am I trans?
How can I take this long to wonder something so clearly today? And if I am wondering today will I feel differently another day?
I feel that the older I get the more I peel back the layers of the real me and become truly who I am.
I was watching a movie tonight. “Country Strong” if you must know. I enjoyed the drama, the love, the clothes, the music. I have been attracted to men and...
10 tags
Feeling sexy in my underwear
I am settling into me. Some days I dress a little butch, while other days I femme it up a bit. Always I wear men’s underwear, except of course when I wear no underwear at all, which is what happens when I wear workout clothes. I remember when I started wearing men’s underwear. I experimented with different styles. I struggled a bit with boxer briefs riding up under loose pants. A few...
June 2010
3 posts
8 tags
i'd do me now, i'd do me then...
looking at pictures of my younger self so girly with long flowy hair…a bit conflicted when others said how pretty i was…but then i just saw my cheek in the reflection of the midnight kitchen window, the sun kissed skin across my cheekbone framed by my sexy little short drogy do…and i thought as i looked at me “oh you are so sexy” and i thought of the younger skinnier...
Kickstarter - Breaking Down Homo-phobia Through... →
February 2010
1 post
Self conscious when others comment on my...
In case you didn’t know, I’ve been going through some sort of genderqueer butch transitioning/coming out process. Which mostly means to my aquaintances that my style of dress & presentation has been changing. What it means at work is that I never wear skirts any more. I wear men’s underwear under my pants. No one knows this unless they see a playboy wideband above my...
January 2010
6 posts
4 tags
Some thoughts on butch on butch love
I’m not sure that I really have that much to say at this moment. Scratch that…I have a lot to say, but very little experience in this area. When I googled “butch and butch dating” I didn’t find too much. I found a few threads of people much younger than me talking about wanting to be themselves, but doing things like growing out their hair and dressing more girly...
11 tags
Shopping in the Men's section while insecure in a...
I noticed how I am getting more comfortable with shopping in the men’s section the more I do it. I know this has got to be easier for me than my male friend shopping for women’s lingerie, but, well, we all have our fears and insecurities, especially when we act outside of gender norms in public.
I used to go shopping for women’s lingerie with my male friend who preferred to...
December 2009
2 posts
11 tags
Gender presentation and visiting family
I’m out visiting extended family for the holidays, some of whom I have not seen in two years, and all of whom I have not seen since my latest shortest haircut. Even in my early 30’s I somehow feel somewhat teen-like, visiting family with a new haircut and a nose ring, with clothes a little bit butcher than they might remember.
Family members certainly have a way of mixing compliment...
21 tags
Butch underpants at the gym
As I have been going through my genderqueer butch puberty, I have gradually transitioned to wearing men’s underwear for the most part. Last summer I remember looking longingly at the underwear in the men’s section at Target, nearly buying some boxer briefs that looked so comfortable, but then not, because the “package” would be empty. I then wandered back over into the...
November 2009
6 posts
“It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are...”
– Andre Gide ist, 1947 nobel prize for literature, 1869-1951) (via justbesplendid) (via ma-salaama) (via guerrillamamamedicine)
13 tags
Discrimination sitting right next to me
(from a state that just voted against Marriage Equality)
I am extremely dissatisfied with the nature of the political landscape in my state. I am afraid - of people. I live in a state (and pretty much a country too) where it appears that more than half the people do not see me as equal, simply because of who I love. I am near tears quite often. I was near tears before election day was over,...
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive....”
– ~ Harold Whitman (via justbesplendid) (via guerrillamamamedicine)
October 2009
3 posts
The Sartorial Butch a peek into the closet and... →
11 tags
On gender and underwearshapes
Exploration of underwearshapes is one of my favorite ways to find comfort with and grow into my gender identity. Sometimes, back in my baggy messy sloppy ripped up clay and paint splattered art school days, I took pleasure knowing just how very sexy my tiny little bejeweled thong might be.
That was awhile ago. Went right through and out the other side of that thong phase. Well, at least on my...
9 tags
Phobia within an already marginalized community
I had some very interesting discussions tonight, with a barely out bisexual woman and a radical lesbian separatist feminist activist. The barely out woman has this activist on such a pedestal, because she brings to light such interesting discourse and conversation that jolts the foundation of her sheltered reality, in a very good way. The younger bisexual woman hangs on the older woman’s...
September 2009
9 posts
How to be an Ally to a Bisexual Person
fuckyeahlgbt:
fuckyeahbisexuals:
By Ellyn Ruthstrom
I’ve drawn up a few tips that can certainly be taken into account by organizations, but my main focus was on the individual level. Straight allies can benefit from these recommendations, but I know that a lot of them developed for me more from my experiences with gays and lesbians over the years.
Believe that I exist. Despite ongoing...
San Francisco
A new haircut and a nosering. Hugged my favorite lesbian porn star. Learned about some things I’d never heard of shopping in the Castro. Refreshing to be in such a gay friendly space.
Why do I look at my ex's Facebook page?
I take everything personally when I do this. Why did she visit my hometown when I’m not there? Was I just a fling to her? Was I just a photo shoot for a little while, emotionally involved enough to make good pictures? Why did she just post a pic of her previous girlfriend? Are they back together? I know this does me no good whatsoever .
Out on the road
So I’ve been driving across the country with a friend of mine. Luckily she’s a great friend & I’ve been able to be really open & honest with her and discuss some of the gender/sexuality transitional stuff I’ve been going through. I’m not sure exactly what to call it…my genderqueer butch puberty? Anyways, it was freeing to pack for the trip in the first...
Trying out new do's on the road
So I’m on a crosscountry road trip with a friend of mine. Though I’m jammed in tight with all of her belongings, I feel a certain sense of freedom. I’m not at work, which is the primary bonus. On top of that, every moment I am in a new part of the country, where I know noone (except my one friend with whom I am very comfortable).
I recently cut my hair quite short, and have...
7 tags
Thoughts of the day
I like mrsexmith’s discussion of multiple meanings of trans… transitioning, transcending the gender binary, etc. I started this blog as an aid and as a documentation of my current coming out process. More than 10 years ago, when I was first coming out, I told a lesbian friend that I was bisexual. At the moment, I was feeling pretty proud of myself enough to be able to slap on a...
8 tags
OK. Here goes. Please be gentle.
Ready, set, queerer!
Ok. So I’m going through some changes. I think. Self awareness, fashion, sex, gender, sexuality, presentation. Not sure I even have the words for all of this. Kind of scared to do this publically. But then I know how helpful it is for me to read the thoughts of others going through uncomfortable and beautiful metamorpheses. And how much it helps to share what is in...