How can I take this long to wonder something so clearly today? And if I am wondering today will I feel differently another day?
I feel that the older I get the more I peel back the layers of the real me and become truly who I am.
I was watching a movie tonight. “Country Strong” if you must know. I enjoyed the drama, the love, the clothes, the music. I have been attracted to men and women in my life. I more recently identify as gay. Queer. Lesbian. Depending upon the moment. Genderqueer. Androgynous. I know I am mixing up sexual attraction and identity here. I know those two are different. They are still related to my identity. My presentation. My sexuality presentation. My gender presentation. The more I wear mens’ clothes, buy mens’ clothes, feel sexy in mens’ clothes, and feel confident in mens’ underwear even in the womens’ room at the gym, the more comfortable and sexy I feel just being me.
Tonight watching the movie I thought about how much I really want to be the hot guy that gets the girl. That’s who I want to be in the movie. That’s who I want to dress like, feel like, act like, experience reality like. I know movies aren’t reality. But we see ourselves in characters on the screen. In seeing what I identify with up on the screen in front of me I see myself a little more at the same time.
After the movie I asked my friend, “I know I probably won’t do it, but would you still be my friend if I transitioned to be a man?”
She said, “Of course.” Then she asked me about it. I replied, “I feel like it is up ahead of me in the future, like the way being gay seemed before I let myself realize consciously that I was.”
Does that make any sense? I feel like I have said no to so many things that I later embraced fully. Like I was so scared to identify with something unknown that didn’t seem possible or was just so scary. Like bisexuality, or just gayness. Fisting, spanking. Butchness. Androgyny.
That’s as far as I am ready to talk about it tonight. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you.
Zoey Rayal
xoxo
