I keep “short term dating.” I don’t mean to, but it’s what seems to happen. I did, after all, put it as one of the options I was looking for on a dating site. So I shouldn’t be so shocked then after all, right?

In any case, all of this dating keeps teaching me a few things. Mostly about what I want and don’t want. But also about how to fine tune my online presentation to be as honest as I can so that I really am who I am when I show up for a date. That’s what I want everyone else to do, right?

I don’t want to be someone else’s experiment. Unless they are really hot and I am horny and we’re both clear about what’s going on. Quite frankly the cl ads near me either don’t attract me or are creepily young.

I thought I had more to say here. I guess the honest truth is that I am heartbroken, and I have started dating again.

Here’s what has happened so far:

I’ve responded to a few casual cl ads, but I find few to respond to because I am either so appalled by grammar errors, or they are severely, offensively, anti-butch. The responses I have received I am not attracted to. Is this fair for me to say? I feel uncomfortable having this conversation with too many people.

Physical attraction is important, to me, both in casual encounters and longer relationships. I don’t think this is wrong. I’ve found that my gut reaction even to an online presentation or profile is usually quite close to the truth.

Take my date today for example. I met up with a friendly woman who seemed to have a lot I wanted to talk to her about, was pleasant enough looking, but really didn’t flick my clit to look at, you know? And that’s exactly how I felt in person. As our conversation kept getting more and more interesting, I kept looking at her and thinking, can I make attraction grow here? And I don’t think I can. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

And smell, that’s another thing. I didn’t like her smell. It was kind of grandmotherly-ish. I’m not sure what it was, if it was a fragrance, or a beauty product…it was kind of sharp and strong like a potpourri dish. I feel bad having thoughts like this, but what I am to do? Isn’t this gut reaction at it’s most basic?

When I am attracted, I really get all warm in the loins. I flex. Sometimes this confirms I’m gay. I was walking with today’s date, and at one point this hetero couple was walking in front of us in bathing suits. Watching the bikini bottom and ass curves move with every step the woman took really made me flex. A few times. My date and I had exchanged coming out stories (how often do you have this conversation on a first date?) and she was talking about how she knew she was gay. I so badly wanted to point out this difference in my attraction to the couple walking in front of us. Would this have been wrong? Indecent? Inappropriate? Rude?

Which brings up another question. What is the best way to be clear with someone on a first date that you are not romantically attracted but do indeed want to be friends?